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Things I've Learned

This is a list of things I've learned. Things I think are important. Things I want to always do:

1. Guard your heart.
2. Learn how to trust yourself. That little voice is probably right most of the time.
3. Tell the people you love that you love them. You never know when the last time is.
4. Be honest. People will appreciate that about you.
5. Have a good attitude. Life seems better when you do.
6. Listen to good music. It can make you laugh and cry at the same time.
7. Think hard about big decisions. (However, see #2.)
8. Work hard. Down time is so much more enjoyable when you do.
9. Love yourself. If you don't, how can anyone else?
10. Trust Jesus. He loves you more than anyone or anything and He will carry you through your life.

Love turns the whole thing around.

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go away, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go away, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

(Whistle Interlude)

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good
The Heart of Love, by John Mayer

Yesterday was Will's birthday. 18. And this song made me cry today. Because its so true.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

These last few weeks have been absolutely insane. One of my best friends has been home from dallas for the last 2-and-a-half weeks so the party never really stopped. My aunt was here from California for a week and some pretty fun cousins were here from Dallas as well. Between all the family, homecoming, and birthday parties it would have been wild enough. But the passing of a wonderful man made this past week hard. And it made me realize how important family truly is. There are so many different kinds of family, the one you are born into and the one you create for yourself during these inbetween years. I'm blessed enough to have two beautiful families. And of course these always some bickering but I know right now that I could call at least 10 people and they would drop whatever they were doing to help me as much as they humanly could. Its a bit overwhelming how rich my life is. And readers, where ever you are in life, I hope you have that too. Because there is nothing in this life that can replace those people who love you. Ever.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow...

Okay. Hawaii. The place of my child. A grown-up more tropical version of Disneyland.

August 2010?

Maybe, baby. Maybe.

Weekend Update 1.

So I'm starting a new section of this blog called Weekend Update. Its exactly what it sounds like: a little update of my weekend!

Friday Night: worked at the tanning salon then headed to the girls' apartment and after, Bethany's 19 birthday party. Got to see some old friends. Back to the apartment, hung out with a random bunch of pals.
Saturday: worked at the tanning salon again :) and then headed home to get ready for the Cross Canadian Ragweed and Lucero concert with the whole "family" and Uncle Jon + Pauly too :D we have such a blast, it was amazing, especially when we all sang/danced/screamed/cheered together during our favorite songs. Stayed up far too late and learned about a FAB band called The Avett Brothers, maybe heading to another concert in a few weekends at the lovely cain's ballroom.
Sunday: Coffee, ciggarettes, and family time at the house till I had to be at work. Except I lost my keys and was 30 minutes late. Thank goodness my boss is understanding!!! Its been great, and I think tonight i'll do a little exercising and then more family time.

Gotta Love it.

Sham Sham

This is Sami, my amazing 14 year old little sister. She's a wild one, this girl! And I love her. We have a bond thats this beautiful mix of teasing and lifting up and discovering new things together. The summer after my senior year, she was one of my best friends. Things have gotten a little bit crazier in both of our lives (she's in high school, college for me) but lately I have felt so much closer to her. I'm not sure what it is, but she's just growing up I guess. One of the things that we talk a lot about these days is music--rock and roll mostly. Lately we've been listening to a lot of Zeppelin, Hendrix, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bob Dylan, Pink Floyd, and David Bowie. Ahhh, such amazing music, and its bringing us together again. Thats definitely my taste right there, and I love that she's experincing such growth because of it. mmhmm..its a beautiful thing.

golden boy

golden boy
gorgeous little q-tip head
instead of mowing the lawn,
you've started growing grass.

seventeen redhot coals
burned down
eight months of ashes

jack kerouac's roman candle
lit one last time

exploding across my sky.

1

Lining up behind the frat boys--
we didn't need our IDs.
Summer girls in summer dresses and long blonde hair.

My friend, the boy, sits at the bar--
he looks so damn miserable.
Drowning his cares with a bottle of liquid "peace".

The girls prune and strut like peacocks--
all dressed up and all alone.
Silver, gold, magenta, they drink their wine...sparkle...sigh.

Bartenders grin, serve, and bear it--
the watering hole is full.
Why do these fools smile when the night is so tragic?

Brave New World.

So.
*deep breath*
I've decided to take this semester off.
*sigh*
Not what I truly want. But I think its the right thing to do.
That means a lot of things:
A full time job.
Saving up to buy a car.
Saving up so I can pay cash for my schooling.
No more student loans. WOOOOOOOHOOOO!!
Being brave...I've never not been in school.

I won't lie. I'm scared to death.
But I am going to hold onto my dream of becoming a teacher.
And work hard to pave the way for myself.

Many mistakes, but thank God for grace.
And Faith. And Hope. And above all, for a Love so infinite, there are never TOO many mistakes.

If you think about it, please pray for me.

A Will Shaped Place

Does it ever go away?

That little tear in my heart, a little Will shaped place that feels so empty sometimes?

I don't know.

But I miss him every damn day of my life.

Its been 7 months and 1 day.

I still feel raw.

I still expect to see him driving around town late at night, raising hell and saving lives.

My heart catches in my throat every time I see a big black dodge, sometimes when I see a big green dodge, or blue, in the witching hours when I have no business driving around.

There were times when I got myself into a pickle, a tight squeeze, and Will would always come wiggle me out of it.

He drove to Fayetteville at 3 in the morning to get me home.

He drove to the middle of a field in the middle of the night to get me home.

Not to my home, but to his.

He'd set me up all cozy on the big jean kids' room couch with fluffy down comfortors and pop a movie in and lay with me till I fell asleep. Then the next morning, me and him and bryn and danny and whoever else happened to wandered over in the night would eat a big breakfast and smoke marlboro lights right there at the kitchen table. I always loved that, smoking inside, sharing lighters and trying to blow smoke rings. He could do it perfect.

He took care of us girls, even though we were older.

We should have taken better care of him. I always wish I would have said something to him, but I felt like I couldn't. I should have. I learned though. I say something now. Maybe that'll save a life. I wish it would have saved his.

Always a hug, always a smile, always said I love you when he was leaving.

Thats the last thing I said to him, I love you.

And he yelled it right back.

Its crazy, I dream about him every once in a while, but I always know its not really him, that he's really dead. Even in my dreams, I know that.

Humanity, I love you

Humanity, I love you,
Because you invent things like blu-ray
and nix the old
V
H
S
players that we loved.

Humanity, I love you,
Because the huge
T
V
at courtney's sister's house
is awesome

Humanity, I love you,
Because the big
T
V
wont play my
V
H
S
anywhere in the house.

Humanity, I love you
Because it cost me
$
1
3
freaking
dollars
to rent
7
freaking
movies.

What the hell?

Humanity,
I
Hate
You

Thanks, e.e. cummings, you're amazing. Read the real poem here.
The Mary-Kate and Ashley Marathon will have to wait until tomorrow,
because at my house,
we have no fancy blu-ray players.
So THERE!

Sarah Dessen " Lock and Key "

So I'm reading yet another SD book and eating it up like candy! Love that author!

What is Family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger...We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, as well as the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them were perfect, and we couldn't expect them to be. You couldn't make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build a world from it.

As I wrote about in my last post, I have a huge extended family. But then I also have my other family, my little family of friends who I love.

My wild Ashley.
My sweet Michelle.
My little Bryn-o.
My Hanny.
My lovely and whitty Court
My Benn-the-strong-man-Garrett
And
My Cody the jokster.

Where would I be with out these people. These memories. These friends. This family?

**pics to come.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhood completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.” -Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven"

I love this quote. So much. Because I think its t.r.u.e.
But glass that bubbles or is imperfect in some way is much more interesting than "perfect" glass, right?
Because, really, who's not just a little screwed up?

I love my parents.

Family

Family Definition Definition of Family at Dictionary.com: "any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins."

I come from a beautifully loving and HUGE family.

There were around 45 of us:

3 Siblings

Aunt Joyce, Grandma Cora, Uncle Frank

Then they got married:

Aunt Joyce (Uncle Abe RIP), (Grandpa Earl) Grandma Cora, (Aunt Ruth) Uncle Glenn RIP, Uncle Frank (Aunt Nancy)

Then they had kids, who were cousins, and then they got married! (To not-cousins.)

(Faith)+Tommy, (Laurie)+Paul, Ruth+(Chris), Sue+(Greg), Liz+(Dennis), Becky+Jeff, Peter-(Arlene). Missing-David+(Melelani) and George+(Tracy)

Those kids had kids too, who are second cousins!

Clarisse, Hayden, Grace, Ricky, Sydney, Pierre, Paul, Andre, Gabby, Sami, Hannah, Katie, Kenny, Clarisse, James, Glenn Arthur, Zachary, Seth, Molly Charlotte, Sarah, Isabelle, and Michael. We miss Jason, Daniel, Bethany (Jake+Joshua), Jimmy, Roy, Georgie, and Paige.




My family is all about having fun. We played games, went rock climbing, night swimming in heated lakes, pool volleyball, regular volleyball, ladders. badmitten, tubing on the lake, pool basketball, regular basketball, lots of talking, eating, laughing, remembering, picture looking, loving. We prayed together and shared our stories. We embraced life and it was wonderful.

The Green Fig Tree Story

From Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar:

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

I'm not sure what the rest of this year will hold for me, but I think it may be time to pluck a fig from the tree and grow up a little bit.

Summer Reading 2009

As an avid reader, I always look forward to the summer when I can sit back by the pool and eat up some great novels. Last summer I read several books that have become a part of who I am. To me, thats the mark of a great book, if it changes you and makes you think about who you are and what you represent to yourself and society.

Last Year's List:

• Anna Karenina --> Loved it loved it loved it!
• The Kite Runner/1000 Splendid Suns --> Made me think about the plight in the middle east that is often ignored by the american public. People are people, regardless of religion.
• Madame Bovary --> Total complete selfishness. But I still enjoyed it because it made me mad
• The Bean Trees --> Book club book. I liked it a lot, but still prefer The Poision Wood Bible over it. Also read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle which reminded me of one of my professors, Patty Kirk, writer in residence at JBU.
• The Twilight Series --> Brain candy!
• We The Living --> First taste of Ayn Rand, it was a delicious and sad journey into human nature. Go read it!
• East of Eden --> Favorite book ever, I think. I couldn't tell you why, but Steinbeck's style is so interesting and different from a lot of other american author's
• Night --> Read it in Germany and wanted to die after. Its kinda sick, but I have a morbid fascination with Hollocaust lit.
• A Moveable Feast --> Read it in Paris. Yummy.
• Queen of the Turtle Derby/The House on First Street -->Julia Reed made me love living in the south even more than I already do and she also made me want to go live in New Orelans for part of my life. Love her!!

Ahh books, where would I be without you? This summer so far (Since May 7th-ish) I've completed 5 books and am working on the 6th. At this rate, I'm hoping to get through 15+ more. I'm going to the beach in a few weeks for a week with a great friend and hopefully that will be a place for lots and lots of reading!!

Summer 2009 Reading List

May

• The Heart is a Lonely Hunter --> I love southern gothic style and this book broke my heart, in a good way, though.
• My Friend Leonard --> Companion book to James Frey's A Million Little Pieces. An interesting memoir about the struggle against addiction of all sorts.
• The Queen of Everything --> Self-discovery adolescent lit. I like it.
• Three Cups of Tea --> non-fiction, set in Pakistan. Love love love it.
• The Fountainhead --> Currently reading it and i love it so far. Ayn Rand sure does make me think.
• Babbitt --> Currently reading, I've laughed out loud several times.

June, July, August

• Catch-22, by Joseph Heller
• A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Burgess
• The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck
• As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner
• Slaughterhouse 5, by Kurt Vonnegut
• A Passage to India, by E.M. Forrester
• On the Road, by Jack Kerouac
• Naked Lunch, by William S. Burroughs
• Go Ask Alice, by Unknown
• Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand
• Everything is Illuminated, by Jonathan Safran Foer
• Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, by James Joyce
• Moby Dick, by Herman Melville
• An American Tradgey, by Theodore Dreiser
• Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov

This is my list, but there are a few I could/would drop: Moby Dick, As I lay Dying, and Portrait of the Artist would be the first to go, not because they aren't wonderful pieces of classic literature, but because I have started them all and never finished due to being just a tad bit uninterested.

So now the question: What books have I left off that changed you or that you just really really loved and think everyone needs to read?? I'm open to all genres and all subjects, just give me some suggestions!!

La Vie en Rose...?

I had rose colored glasses once; I traded them in for a pack of ciggarettes.

I read a lot of blogs and find a lot of great one liners that i think either do apply to my life or might possibly apply to my life in the future. I love reading all the mom's blogs in particularily...they crack me up and make me cry usually in the same post. Oh children...the wild nasty crazy beautiful soft little creatures that make people so lovely and nuts all at the same time. I'm sure that some times I will want to pull my hair out and scream and I will remember thinking that I said I would never do that...but I probablly will...but to quote Augusten Burroughs, "Where would we be withour out painful childhoods?"

Kids say the darndest things!

I want to start off by declaring that I LOVE CHILDREN! Little kids and big kids alike, I just love 'em! Today I got to meet the two kids who I will get to babysit for all of next week, a boy who's nine and a girl who's six. They are both absolutely adorable and I think I will have a lot fun watching them. The little boy wanted his momma to tell me all of the rules so that he could be sure and follow them, but he had a wicked little glint in his eye the whole time I was there, so I'm excited to see what he's like away from momma...He told me he wants to swim in my pool and do lots of crafts and his sister agreed, so I think next week should be especially fun because it will include the things I love so much--kids, crafts, and pooling it! Then this evening at work (where I currently sit typing) a regular customer came in, this time bringing her seven year old daughter. She talked my ear off while her mom was tanning and we had a delightful conversation about tanning and birthdays and school and rock painting and school programs...she was a total doll. As she was walking out the door, she asked me, "what was your name again?" (She hadn't asked and didn't know before this) and I told her and asked hers too. I told her it was nice to meet her and that I hoped to see her again soon to which she replied--It was very nice meeting you too, Molly, and I hope to see you in the near future!!--so cute! I can't wait to be a mom someday...kids are just such great little people, so interesting and curious and precious and lovely and plumpy and nice. I love them sometimes more than big people!

The Men Who Tan

There are more men who tan than one might think. Young men, older men, in-between men, they all tan. And regardless of their age, they share very similar characteristics! First of all, single men enjoy tanning. I think it makes them feel younger and hotter and more ready for the dating world. These are the guys with a swagger and a smile every time they walk in. They love it when we remember their names and they usually wink. I guess it doesn't matter that some of them are old enough to be our dads, or even grandpas, but none of them are inappropriate/uncomfortable, just silly single old tan guys who will probably turn out a lot more wrinkled than tan! Then there are the married guys. The older married guys are just as silly as the older single guys, usually. They tan because they are going on vacation and their wives don't want them to fry in the tropical sun. All the older guys are very clean about tanning and almost always towel off the bed after they get out so its not dripping in man-sweat. Score for us girls up front! Last, there are the young married guys. Ugh. They never talk, except to tell us their last name. They have to tan because they too are going on vacation. They do not clean up their sweat, which okay, yes its my job, but common courtesy dictates that wiping up your own sweat is probably safer than not. Then there are the far and few young engaged guys. They are the funnest, because they always want to chat it up about their fiance, who also usually tans here, and about their wedding and their careers and futures, which are promising and full of great things to come! I like them the best. Anyway, just thought I'd share some observations! Have a good one, M.