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Lining up behind the frat boys--
we didn't need our IDs.
Summer girls in summer dresses and long blonde hair.

My friend, the boy, sits at the bar--
he looks so damn miserable.
Drowning his cares with a bottle of liquid "peace".

The girls prune and strut like peacocks--
all dressed up and all alone.
Silver, gold, magenta, they drink their wine...sparkle...sigh.

Bartenders grin, serve, and bear it--
the watering hole is full.
Why do these fools smile when the night is so tragic?

Brave New World.

So.
*deep breath*
I've decided to take this semester off.
*sigh*
Not what I truly want. But I think its the right thing to do.
That means a lot of things:
A full time job.
Saving up to buy a car.
Saving up so I can pay cash for my schooling.
No more student loans. WOOOOOOOHOOOO!!
Being brave...I've never not been in school.

I won't lie. I'm scared to death.
But I am going to hold onto my dream of becoming a teacher.
And work hard to pave the way for myself.

Many mistakes, but thank God for grace.
And Faith. And Hope. And above all, for a Love so infinite, there are never TOO many mistakes.

If you think about it, please pray for me.

A Will Shaped Place

Does it ever go away?

That little tear in my heart, a little Will shaped place that feels so empty sometimes?

I don't know.

But I miss him every damn day of my life.

Its been 7 months and 1 day.

I still feel raw.

I still expect to see him driving around town late at night, raising hell and saving lives.

My heart catches in my throat every time I see a big black dodge, sometimes when I see a big green dodge, or blue, in the witching hours when I have no business driving around.

There were times when I got myself into a pickle, a tight squeeze, and Will would always come wiggle me out of it.

He drove to Fayetteville at 3 in the morning to get me home.

He drove to the middle of a field in the middle of the night to get me home.

Not to my home, but to his.

He'd set me up all cozy on the big jean kids' room couch with fluffy down comfortors and pop a movie in and lay with me till I fell asleep. Then the next morning, me and him and bryn and danny and whoever else happened to wandered over in the night would eat a big breakfast and smoke marlboro lights right there at the kitchen table. I always loved that, smoking inside, sharing lighters and trying to blow smoke rings. He could do it perfect.

He took care of us girls, even though we were older.

We should have taken better care of him. I always wish I would have said something to him, but I felt like I couldn't. I should have. I learned though. I say something now. Maybe that'll save a life. I wish it would have saved his.

Always a hug, always a smile, always said I love you when he was leaving.

Thats the last thing I said to him, I love you.

And he yelled it right back.

Its crazy, I dream about him every once in a while, but I always know its not really him, that he's really dead. Even in my dreams, I know that.